and when she speaks
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Before I know it, it's now March 31st, 2012. One more day before April hits. And then, slightly more than 2 months away, I'll find myself in DC.
"There are moments in your life that make you and sets the course of who you're going to be. Sometimes they're little, subtle moments. Sometimes, they're big moments you never saw coming. No one asks for their life to change, but it does. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are"
I won't lie. I fall (often) , and cry (-often-). lol. I get so lost, so caught up in my own emotions- I feel overwhelmed, confused and torn. I hate those moments because it hurts, and it is not easy to pull yourself out of it. But I do - and you live and learn through experience. I'm still on the road to finding strength to figuring things out. I'm still finding out what I want. Not in my professional life ... lol
That has never been an issue for me. For dear ol' Sue Sue here, it's always been love and relationships that I'm learning so much in. My career is on a solid path :) (thankfully :))
My best friends know this of me- I sometimes follow my heart - too much that I "get ahead of myself" as one of them puts it.
But you know, I'm one of those "believers". I believe in dreams, soul-mates, destinies---and in giving it a try (sensibly, of course!). I don't like to think anything is impossible, neither do I say there's never second chances, second tries- nothing is ever absolute or for certain. That's the beauty of life, there's always uncertainties and surprises.
I believe anything can happen, even things completely unexpected that catch you off guard, but that just makes life's surprises even more fun and those moments even more extraordinary. You can call me silly here... ;)
I do believe in the "maybes" and that certainly, if something is meant to be, it'll be. After all, I've seen miracles happen time and time again, in the hospital. Those moments albeit rare, when they do happen, you don't ever forget them.
I'm a believer :)
"Nothing lasts forever, so live it up, laugh it off, take chances and never have regrets, because at one point, everything you did was exactly what you wanted"
*yay* STEP 3 over and done :) March 29/30-over!
Meanwhile, loving Jason Mraz's song "I won't give up"
I cried the first few times I heard it, (yes yes I know I'm emo) - but listen to it, it may just teach you a thing or two :) or pull your heart strings like it did mine ;)
Once again, I heart all my friends :)
SueSue
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Wednesday, March 21, 2012
I haven't blogged as much as I'd like to. This post should have come in a long time ago.So much have happened in a span of a few short weeks since going home in February, I was just struggling to cope with everything on my shoulder emotionally, that I took a break from writing.Writing has been my therapy all these years. I wished I kept on at it, so maybe I could have reflected better. Unfortunately, that was what I was trying to do; reflect so much and fight myself internally. My heart and head were at a crossroads, and that's not easy, especially because I am someone who can follow my passions blindly. To put it simply; stubborn ;) But it wasn't becuase I knew it was wrong, it was just because I wanted to chase what made my heart happy. Anyway, I digress.I write my heart out, and you know that saying 'your heart's on your sleeve'- I think that's how I am.How I feel- is all over: on my face, in my eyes, my writing... If I'm faking it, you'll know ;)I posted this on facebook, after I saw through sorrow in my eyes in my pictures from Vegas, despite the smiles..."You can always tell through a smile that has sorrow beneath." I tried to keep it positive, so I added "On the other hand, a smile is prettiest when it comes from real joy. So, gotta keep that soul nourished to look good! :)". It is true, isn't it?Only YOU can make yourself happy.I have so much to thank for, in life.*For my dear amazing friends here who have been nothing but supportive, loving, caring albeit strict and stern sometimes (lol). I know it's all in my best interest.*For giving me the opportunity to be in my footsteps of being able to see through a bigger lens, on life, love and our blessings; as a physician- seeing disease, death and suffering - it makes you look at life at a whole different perspective each time I put on my doctor glasses.*For health, for love from family & friends, and for life.Going back to clinic, seeing my own patients after being away for 5 weeks- I realized my patients missed me, and looked forward to seeing their "Dr. Lai!" ;) It brought on such happy feelings, knowing that they were so excited to tell me they were doing better, that they were insistent to the secretaries that they wanted an appointment to see only me (their PCP)... I love it when we get into the hug or high five zone because of how well they're doing. And then, they say it's thanks to me. That just tops all great feelings. Gratitude from my patients... I just get all smiley after :)Since coming back, I've also spent a TON! (lol) But I'm only here for a couple more months; gotta eat up Chi' town! ;)Then we had an amazing blast with the hot ASIAN BUN party I threw at my place. Thanks to mummy's buns :) (hehe x)I can't even write about all the past few days experiences that have just made me over the moon.-Teng asking me out, to bond over hot noodles (won ton!) :) and char siew :) mmm-Chee Yuan calling to make sure I'm ok-Anita and her skype session and frank sensible opinions-Hilda and her ever wise words-All my friends and their overwhelming support, phone calls, chit-chat by the hospital hallways, hugs, pep talks and emails, especially the first few weeks.-Meeting more friends who are from DC, or have been there at some point who offer their help!-Christine's mum and Cza volunteering to teach me how to drive back in the burbs!-Tarek as well :) *yay* although he can be a pain sometimes lol-All the fun, exciting things that go on with work friends- oh how I'll miss RUSH-Dr Leslie printing out my publication, and distributing it to everyone during Friday board review. Everyone clapped hands, and joked "Sueyi, can I have your autograph?"My face was flushed red, I think (lol). Then, Dr Leslie poked fun at the other publications (he's cheeky!) .... :) then, Dr Leslie, Dan and I just stayed behind chatting, catching up.-Dan was so sweet. When he gets back from Costa Rica, we'll talk about DC, cos he's from DC.-Receiving three copies of the journal with my VERY FIRST PUBLICATION. I was carrying the package happily bouncing off in the hallway, when Dr Baldwin saw me- and I showed him my source of joy (lol). He was proud of me! Then, I joked I was going to post it on facebook as soon as I got home, so he said "Good, you should!" ;))-That night, after Anesthesia party, I don't think I' ve ever had so much fun dancing with a partner. He swung me, dipped me more than 6 times consecutively, turned, spinned me. We were in the center of attention on the dance floor. (ALL thanks to an amazing trained dance partner) I had so much fun. I certainly would love having a guy who can dance ;) It's so empowering, and sexy. I literally felt jolts through my body, and then him pulling me back close to his body, I have to say, dance is such a sexy form of expression... *lol*-Mugging with my friends, cafe-hopping to study has been arduous; until I got my internet back!-Bringing a smile to my patients' or holding their hands during trying times- I'm constantly reminded (as Christine puts it in her text msg) "we are in positions of power to do so much, to help, to bring comfort, to save lives". We are only too honored to be in our position to be able to have the power to do that, it is an amazing responsibility.I am blessed.I think I may have crammed too much in one post (haha)- oh well :)ONTO studying/cramming.... til my USMLE step 3; March 29/30! Wish me luck! :)Love always,Sue Sue
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Wednesday, March 14, 2012
"You will accept nothing less than passion, and perfection, and a life worthy of being storied"
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Tuesday, March 13, 2012
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Call me crazy.
But I think the person up there is really keeping an eye on me. Fate has a funny way of finding your lost soul, and keeping you back on track- the right track. All the signs you're giving me. You're telling me I have so much more to do. I laugh inside, and am secretly thankful- because I wonder why you haven't given up on me, when I keep on making the mistakes that I do. Mistakes that could have been prevented, mistakes that I made because my heart takes control over my mind. I know I've done things that have been given the red light from my closest friends... but I also know that I am a creature of passion. I do things because my heart tells me so, although my head strictly forbids me to. I am that kind of person, one who throws her heart into anything she puts herself into. Sometimes it plays out well for me, and in other departments not so, especially when emotions and hearts are involved *lol* These past few weeks, have been hard for m. I have so much more to learn, but learning I certainly am. I just thank god I have such amazing, supportive friends- all over the world. And especially, here in Chicago :) I can't thank my lucky stars enough. Anyway.... onto great news!Guess what wonderful surprise awaited me as I walked into the housestaff lounge casually this afternoon, in my mailbox? ;) A package from New York :) ... my very first publication in a heme/onc journal.But wait- it was not just one journal, they sent me THREE copies of the journal! I was so so happy, I was smiling like a fool, down the hallway. One of the Endocrinology attendings saw me, and I showed him why I had such a big grin. Then I told him I was going to post it on facebook the first thing I get home, and he just laughed, and said "You should" ;) Oh- my heart's happy. Thank you - to whoever made this possible. I wrote to Dr Venu and Dr Leslie this evening, and sent them pictures ;) And I thanked them for all their support and guidance. I am truly blessed.Hopefully, this is just the start to many more publications to come! :)
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Tuesday, February 07, 2012
"Treat your life like the sea, your heart the shore and your friends the waves... It doesn't matter - how many waves there are, what matters is how one touches the shore"
It was daddy's birthday yesterday.
He turned 52.
I remember in Form 2, when I was 12, I won the Father's Day slogan writing competition.
I wrote this:
"I love you daddy because you taught me to believe in myself"
I'd like to think I'm a little chip of the old block :) and inherited parts of his charisma (charms) and passion for having big dreams, aiming high and working hard towards those dreams.
I remember, the night before I left for Australia (aged 14), I had a sudden wave of anxiety and panic that hit me... and I couldn't sleep. The sudden daunting of leaving home to a new country with a different culture, being on my own for the very first time, leaving the comforts of my home- I got scared. So scared, my heart was beating so hard, I could not sleep.
I went downstairs- and daddy soon joined me. We stayed up talking, as he brushed away my deepest fears, helped allay some of my anxieties and gave me a little confidence boost.
How far we've come. Both of us ;) I'm now a "big, bad doctor" as my boss puts it :)
And daddy's business is flourishing! of course with mummy behind him!
MY dearest daddy and mummy- my biggest supporters along with my 3 sisters.
I am so so blessed to have such great parents who love me with all of their hearts.
Happy Birthday daddy!
Thanks for always being there for me, for being so awesome :)
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Monday, February 06, 2012
Nobody said breaking up was easy.But we did it well. Maturely, mutually and amicably. It ended on a positive note- before I bid my farewell to Chicago for Washington, DC. BUT having said that, nothing ever prepares you enough no matter how much mental strength you have- for ending a good relationship. With someone who has such a big soul, who makes you smile and loves you for being you... I remember the nights I was torn, with so many uncertainties in my life, for not being able to give my all to someone whose heart had mine in hand. The numerous discussions we had, were undoubtedly heart-rending, open and honest, but it had to be done- despite us both breaking down in tears a few times. I have to say this, love is a beautiful thing. Love with passion, together can make us all better human beings. And we need more of that in this world. Again, a quote that comes to mind from a dear friend a long time ago- "better to have loved and lost than not loved at all" - I couldn't agree more.I am at home with family now. My rocks. My friends of course, are a tremendously supportive one. But we have promised to make it the least painful breakup ever. We will still be there for each other, (lol)- although it sounds like he may be there for me (watching my back) since he's always been the more dependable and independent one. BUT I am a tough cookie too, and I have definitely grown a lot in the past year, with him by my side :) *suesue, remember, you are a feisty cili padi* We both have so many things to focus on. Both of us, driven. (lol) although I think I am definitely the more driven one. as I have always been. I love my job, and right now, I will stay focused. On ABIM, USMLE Step 3, forging a strong foothold in DC for my hematology/oncology fellowship. I want to kick ass :) I want to make myself and my loved ones proud of me. A little smile is curved on my lips as I am typing this now.I have big dreams. I know that. My close ones sometimes worry for me. A few friends of mine call me the "over-achiever"- but I never think of myself as that. I want to go as far as my best can take me.Medicine is my destiny, and I will give it my very all. And go out there, make my mark and be a role model my sisters can emulate. I am determined to make a positive difference in people's lives. You know how they say "the torch that lights up people's lives"; I aspire to be that.I am growing up. My best friends in Chicago have said they have watched me grow so much in the past two years, into a young woman. Life lessons that have molded me, and given me new perspectives- on everything. I have definitely matured a lot.I do feel like an old soul (lol) (Maybe I sound like one too lol)My writing may seem erratic in this post. But how I am feeling inside, is poured out here in this entry- no holds barred.I have cross paths with so many amazing people, who have taught me so much in Chicago. And I am going to use all of those experiences to make me a better person. Vincent Van Gogh said this once"It is good to love many things, for therein lies strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done with love is well done" To the people who have loved me for who I am and still love me, I thank you.You know who you are. No need to mention it here, since I probably already bombard you guys with my emails ;) (or copies of my blog entries hehe) To living out our dreams! Much love,Sueyi :)
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Saturday, February 04, 2012
How can I ever forget ...- Miami for my last heme/onc fellowship interview. Where my heart opened up
- June 15, 2011. Joy in my heart yet a twang of pain watching your face- but you stayed strong
- Rihanna's concert - a surprise treat. That was the best celebration gift ever.
- "We found love in a hopeless place" by Rihanna
- Walking by the Chicago river, just embracing life and love
To one person who's taught me so much about love, life - and myself.
To the person who's made me smile and laugh more than anyone else in the past year
To the person who's brought so much light and joy into my life
To the person who's held me close when I've cried tears from rough days at work
... and to giving me pep talks to remind me to be strong and stand tall
To the person who's whipped up his own version of Malaysian nasi lemak and "dried-up" Bak Kut Teh (lol)
To the person who's taken me to the dog shelter for me to squeal at the cute doggies!
To the person who's made me feel beautiful, both in and out, about myself
To the person who's made my heart skip beats
To the person who's been there for me always :)
... for bringing me cupcakes/pastry treats when I'm on long call at work and waiting patiently for me downstairs as I deal with my patients
... for writing me long, soppy emails that really touch my heart
...for sending me portions of lyrics from love songs that remind him of us
... for picking me up when no cabs are near RUSH when I'm nearly in tears/completely exhausted waiting for one to come by, late at night after my long call
...for whipping up my dinners when I don't do a good job taking care of myself
(and saying "Baby, look at how skinny your arms are" and checking my bones out lol)
...for drying my tears, hugging me tight and holding my hands when I'm really down
...for being so supportive in everything I do, and only wanting the very best for me
...for being so loving, so giving
You have a big heart, Gabe.
I am glad I met you.
You've made the past year nothing short of amazing- full of love, life and joy.
Thank you also for giving me the best 24th birthday.
You will always have a place in my heart.
Here's to looking forward, chasing our big dreams, supporting each other as best as we can in the form of best friends, and to living life to the fullest, and going after the sky.
"Because it's not love to be static like the desert, nor is it love to roam the world like the wind. And it's not love to see everything from a distance, like you do. Love is the force that transforms and improves the Soul of the World. When I first reached through to it, I thought the Soul of the World was perfect. But later, I could see that it was like other aspects of creation, and had its own passions and wars. It is we who nourish the Soul of the World, and the world we live in will be either better or worse, depending on whether we become better or worse. And that's where the power of love comes in. Because when we love, we always strive to become better than we are."
— Paulo Coelho (The Alchemist)
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