and when she speaks
Friday, October 30, 2009
This was a week ago, dinner with my HIV/AIDS team at a Nigerian restaurant, Iyanze :) Look at how international we are! Like the United Colors of Benetton! *hehe* We have representations for the: Chinese, Iranian, Nigerian x 2, Indian, Mexican :) *very colorful indeed* :)Also,the other day, Christine was wonderful enough to drop me home at dear ol' Wicker Park. She ended up staying, and we got i Cream where you choose your flavors and toppings and they make it there and then for you with LIquid Nitrogen ;) She had her 'pumpkin cheesecake ice cream with graham crackers' and I had my 'cinnamon honey chocolate ice cream with crushed oreos' ;) And then, I bought a carrot cake and another sweet pastry with cinnamon * cream cheese filling! , and we had yummy lamb shawarma for dinner :)
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1:11 AM;;
Yesterday- what a day.The day before I was post-call; and I couldn't sleep after coming home, and I barely had any sleep the night on call.Finally, floated into a dream at 9pm. I woke up yesterday morning, really tired and drained and hoping the day would go by quicker.The Grim Ripper (Reaper?) came yesterday, I announced two patients dead; and one poor guy was told he now has metastatic end-stage Multiple Myeloma. *brr* it always gives me the chills to pronounce them dead; and inform their family members. The husband of one of the patients; broke down on the phone 'What do I do now? I have never faced this before. Please tell me what do I do now? I don't know...'I told him to come in to the hospital; and make sure someone is with him. His crying over the phone made me swallow a tear, almost. Just imagine, losing someone to leukemia so quickly, so unexpectedly, and then, waking up the next day, not needing to go to the hospital to see her anymore. Not having her around you anymore, in person. That face, the conversations, the company, the love, the hugs and touch- all now only in memory. It's hard. And I know, in times like these, it's family who you turn to for continuous emotional and mental support. Family; and close friends. Carpe diem. Open your heart and open your life.*muacks*
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1:03 AM;;
Monday, October 26, 2009
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5:25 AM;;
It's so amazing - the power of words.And the value of friendship.Call me soppy. Or old school :) But I felt so warm and happy inside, receiving numerous messages in response to my email. I heard from all my old friends alike- all the way from Denmark; a gorgeous Danish beauty whom I met only once here in a friend's friend's house-warming party in Chicago, where she quietly revealed to me about her mum's passing from cancer the first time I met her; and we bonded over that bare-hearted conversation-----to Spain, where I made another dear friend, Carmela, a radiologist whom I got to know when I was working at Cornell Presbytarian Hospital at New York last year. The messages alike were all heart-warming, to say the least. And some were just inspired.Someone wrote to me and said that it was the most touching and humane thing he read. Another friend agreed and went on to send thank you emails to her friends as well :) and not only that, she also took a walk down memory lane and remisniced about the good ol' times we had back in med school :) A dear friend left a smile. A few responded and said really sweet things in return :) And a few other medical colleagues shared their experiences in dealing with death and dying. Teng joked about collecting all these articles of mine in the next 10 years and publish a book on them *laughs*Daddy always says the same thing. Dad would encourage me to keep up with writing, and use it as a way to cope if I need to de-stress or just write as a passion of mine; as an avenue to remember patients by, to reflect on all my experiences as a medical student and a doctor- and maybe, next time publish it for people so they know what it's like. I find that thought really inspiring, and hopefully, a dream to come true in the near future *laughs* You know that patient I was telling you about-that old man with severe pain who was finally made comfort care. He passed away peacefully this morning. May you rest in peace.
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4:57 AM;;
Sunday, October 25, 2009
As most of my close friends are aware, I am now working in the hematology/oncology ward where I'm surrounded by patients who are sick with cancer, leukemia or lymphoma. Some of the things I've seen would have struck a chord with me then, and made me cry. But now, as I've become accustomed to seeing these patients daily, I don't cry as easily, but I empathise more with the loved ones who have someone with cancer.It's a gorgeous Saturday, despite the cold wind, there are leaves with blazing colors falling down, brightening the misty cold air. It's meant to be a day to take advantage of. Yet here I am, now in the comfort of my own home, writing my thoughts down after a short day at work.One of my patients' MRI result came back- and it showed mets all over her brain; and her spine.I didn't break the news to her. Already, the day she was admitted, she was angry and hurling profanities, and being blatantly rude to anyone and everyone who was to see to her, including me and the other team of doctors. But who can blame her? Her very exact words the next day I saw her "What will you do if someone told you you only had 6 months left to live?"What can I say? I left the breaking bad news to my staff oncologist whom I had worked with before; who is a wonderful guy. And I can only imagine what she is thinking of at this very moment sitting in her hospital room, after being told her cancer had spread all over her brain and her spine.Sometimes when caring and dealing with all these issues upfront, especially when it's grim prognostically and death is constantly around the corner, I find it easier to manage when I don't dwell on them. Or it really does affect you.The thing I try to do though is to take the good out of it, and it always serves as a good reminder to never take your health for granted, and equally as important if not more, to always show the people around you how much they mean to you, and that you appreciate them just being there. Tope yesterday said to me "Life is not always a marathon. Don't run and burn yourself out" which I thought was a great analogy to reminding me to take good care of myself :)Another patient of mine, an 84 year old guy battling lymphoma and cancer, was in so much pain, that everytime you touch him, his face grimaces in pain. But he can barely move, he is just lying there limp and almost lifeless. I almost wish for him to go quickly, after seeing all his loved ones- just so he can escape the pain and sufferings. He developed severe mucositis to the extent when he opens his mouth, all these black plaques eroding his oral mucosa and all over his oropharynx is nearly causing partial obstruction. He's in so much agony from the mucositis. I just cannot fathom what he is going through, but I know how much pain he is in, yet he can barely express the pain other than the facial expression and fear you see in his eyes when he does open them.Finally, he is made comfort care this morning. Which means making sure he is comfortable and in as little pain as possible, with medications. Seeing his daughter by his bedside, just knitting at times, at other times I'm sure when the door is closed, talking and keeping him company, I know what she is going through. Because my mum went through the same thing, keeping my grandfather company.Really, when you are stripped bare, the only things that matter are the people who surround your life. The dear ones who are there for you because you mean something to them.To my family and friends; I hope you know you are dearly cherishedAnd that every moments spent with you guys, I have never forgotten. Especially if you've made me laugh, been there for me, made me cry (not on purpose), made me scream/shout, made me jump with joy- made me feel whole and human.I never forget.Lots of love, and for always - Had a great time with Christine, took her around exploring Wicker Park. She absolutely loved it and said it reminded her of her all time favourite place; NYC! And that's a great compliment; if it's comparable to NYC ;P We had pastries from Artemio's bakery, dinner at Bon Bon and bubble tea :) We sat out in my balcony and laughed away heartily-It was Hilda's birthday yesterday, although I was post-call; she told me over the phone 'Sueyi, it's my birthday' all of a sudden. And she almost forgot about her own big day. So I set my alarm despite only 3 hours of sleep in close of 40 hours, and walked over to get some yummy pastries- and hopped onto a bus over to her place. We ate, talked, laughed and bonded. And I slept over too. Woke up for work together, and met up for lunch at her hospital :)-Mariam, called me on my call night, making sure I was doing ok. Call nights on the oncology wards are brutal. And hard-core. And taxing on the mind and body to say the least. I survived mine :) And it was so nice of her to text me, and call me too :) *thank you*-Carlos and I have planned to meet up *finally* we have decided on a day that will work out - so, Ethiopian food next month! :) -Sai, being the cheeky devil that she is, is hooking me up for a blind date with a colleague of hers who is a surgery intern in Michigan this Halloween weekend. So, we're going to double-date. Will see how that one goes ;)Til then, I hope everyone (if there's anyone reading this at all *lol*)is doing well :)
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2:19 AM;;
This was a week ago, dinner with my HIV/AIDS team at a Nigerian restaurant, Iyanze :) Look at how international we are! Like the United Colors of Benetton! *hehe* 
